Re-Branding America: Texas Board of Education Rewrites U.S. History

History is said to be written by the victors (read: 1. America always wins – even when we lose – because we said so, and 2. we don’t have time to read up on “world history” because we are the world, and we don’t care about his story because our story is the only one that matters). That said, Texas has decided to chop-and-screw said history because, well, they felt like it. The Texas State Board of Education (not the state-sanctioned “disciplinary tool” — that large piece of plywood with an “edjewkashun” inscription — the other board) voted 10-5 to:

“[I]nject conservative ideals into social studies, history and economics lessons that will be taught to millions of students for the next decade,” requiring teachers “to cover the Judeo-Christian influences of the nation’s Founding Fathers, but not highlight the philosophical rationale for the separation of church and state. Curriculum standards also will describe the U.S. government as a ‘constitutional republic,’ rather than ‘democratic.’”

So here’s ten things I didn’t know about US History until Texas told me so (read: 10 things that will replace Pluto’s existence in your kids’ curriculum/ 10 more things other than Twitter, Justin Bieber, and Texts from Last Night that you won’t be able to talk about with your kids at the dinner table).

10.) Health care is a privilege, not a right – no matter what The New York Times, Washington DC, The President, Congress, Europe, Canada, or common sense may tell you (and yes: common sense is a pre-existing condition that is fair grounds for prohibition/termination of a health plan)

9.) Time is subjective – an illusion created by scientists. The world was created in seven days, and the movie Jumper is loosely based on the time/space shifting capabilities of God’s “chosen people” – who were created, not born or evolved, to right all the evils of history. The Texas Board of Education are among said “chosen people” along with Sarah Palin, The Bush Administration, Rush Limbaugh, Pat Robertson, Taylor Swift, all Fox News correspondents, Ronald Reagan, Jefferson Davis, and Larry the Cable Guy.

9.) St. Peter’s Basilica is modeled after Dallas Stadium, and Vatican City is a Catholic (read: Italian, unamerican, unchristian, thus unholy – you’ve seen Jersey Shore) version of Dallas.

8.) Pi Day was a widely used misnomer – put in place by the liberal intellectual elite to try and insert “Mathematics” (read: Satan script… like Science) into the American mainstream. In actuality it is Pie Day: a day commemorating the woman’s greatest contribution to society – baked goods. When Satan hands you an apple – one which you unknowingly took in a moment of confusion without Adam around for guidance – there’s only one thing to do: make pies!

7.) Clarence Thomas invented the tea leaf in his backyard, shortly thereafter his wife invited a group of like-minded colleagues over to celebrate the momentous occasion in a tax-free gathering. The Chinese stole the plant and threw an opium-fueled “Tea Party” of their own with the English.

6.) They’re not “dinosaurs:” they’re Jesus Horses. Buddy Christ, Dick Cheney, John Wayne, and Chuck Norris rode in on four of them to save us from a Euro-Canadian socio-political takeover – also known as the Apocalypse. Buddy then buried the horses to provide a plentiful fossil-fueled future, and in turn became Halliburton’s first investor.

5.) Hip-Hop: isn’t dead because it was never born. Anything that resembles what could be conjured as “hip-hop music” is a chopped-and-screwed contact high effect of the Mercedes-Benz driving, crack-smoking, single mother “welfare queen” that plague the urban cities of America – just like Ronald Reagan warned us about.

4.) Just like the goats and sheep of old, there are the Chosen and the Choosy: Choosy people are the spawn of Satan. When people are given choice they choose homosexuality, abortion, New York (or worse: Lady GaGa, which is some Mephistopholean hybrid of the three),fact-checking,”  labor unions, Ruben Studdard, Jif (This fact brought to you by Skippy Brand Peanut Butter: For Moms Who Just Want a Jar of Peanut Butter, not a Consumer Report) – choice begats evil.

So enough for the small snags in the great “Made in China, Sold in Wal-Mart” tapestry that is American history, now for the big three “You thought you knew but you had no idea: This is the diary of Sarah Palin – A Handy Guide to U.S. History.”

3.) Native Americans: Anglo-Saxons are the native inhabitants of America. Plymouth Rock was the first “Easy Button” – when the Mayflower landed, the Pilgrims pressed it, and America – the most utopian perfect union – appeared from the ocean. There was no one here before then – period (some people came by afterward, said they were cold, so we gave them blankets and they went on their merry way; then they came back with a knee injury so we used modern technology as a final solution to cure their ails).

2.) “Slavery:” A euphemistic liberal slant on a group of immigrants who were liberated from a disastrous country (continent, whatever), given free room, board, and employment in a paradisaical Garden of Eden. Most of the workers happily volunteered their services, however some diverted.  The Underground Railroad was a disgruntled group of runaway ex-con chain-gang workers. That entitled ex-con mentality afflicts the millions of “slave” descendants currently members of the welfare system – however, there’s always a cure: thanks, Texas Department of Corrections.

1.) The Golden Rule: He who has the gold, makes the rules. (What Gold Standard?) Free Market Enterprise is God’s chosen economic system. America is God’s chosen country. The United States was, is, and forever will be the pre-eminent City Upon a Hill – the infallible dominating World Superpower.

Watch This Space: I’m just kidding America, you know I love you.

Watch That Space: There’s a seed of truth in every joke. Even though “We’ve been pompous ever since Columbus couldn’t work a compass… It’s been a long time comin’ but I know a change gon’ come…”


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